04/02/2011

Konrad Iver Neumann entered the world on May 27 at 1842 after a day of induced labor at Nelson hospital. My water broke at four in the morning the day prior, after I had just two days off work (I had planned to have 2 to 3 weeks of rest and nest before my due date) and to my disappointment the day my midwife had chosen to move house. As labour didn't start naturally after 24 hours of wait and see, the doctor had me hooked up to a Syntocin (synthetic Oxytocin) drip, with baby heart and contraction monitors, to force natures hand. I would be connected to the drip and monitors until Konrad was born. I would not get a water birth at the Motueka Birthing Unit that I had dearly hoped for, but I was fortunate to have a wonderful locum Midwife and a student Midwife to help deliver my boy. I cannot praise the care I received enough from the Doctors, Hospital Midwifes, and Caroline and Morgan on that day. Oh and Grant, he was pretty great too, if a little out of his depth! With their help I breathed Konrad out (morphine & Haribo Gummy Bears also played a part) without any tearing - I was adamant I did not want an epidural, cesarean, or episiotomy. Yes it was a long painful day, my throat hurt from moaning, my chin hurt from resting it on the end of the bed, and Lord knows my butt hurt from pushing Konrad's head past it, but he was here - he was beautiful, and we were finally parents. 

Today I wore pajamas all day, I didn't brush my teeth or hair, and the bed isn't made - but tomorrow my baby will be seven weeks old and yesterday he had his six week vaccinations and he's been pretty unsettled since. Today he just wanted to sleep on me so that's all we did. 

Konrad has always been a sleepy baby,  stemming back to when he was just a few days old and he suffered from a really bad case of Jaundice. Who knew Jaundice was so serious? I sure didn't. After two days of slow feeding once we had got home, orange pigmented skin, and a weight loss of 11% of his birthweight, I tearfully called my Midwife and told her I thought we needed to go into hospital. So on a Sunday night we rugged up and headed in to find that Konrad’s Jaundice levels were verging on possible brain damage if we didn't start treatment! He was cold and hungry so the wonderful nurses at the Special Care Baby Unit warmed him up and started tube feeding straight away, they popped him on a Billy Bed where blue light drew his baby blood cells out (like a sunbed in reverse), and the orange tinge in his skin could fade. While he rested in the warmth with his own baby goggles I would express (the little amount I could) breastmilk that could be feed straight to his tummy via his nasal tube. Over the next 4 1/2 days Konrad slept and was fed and I slept and expressed, and his Jaundice slowly reduced - thank goodness. 

No one warns you about the fourth trimester. The part after giving birth, the most important part, and nothing prepared me for having a sick baby. He wouldn't feed or even cry - he was so tired - until we went to hospital. Being a new mum I felt so helpless, so unprepared and so very stupid in the first days and weeks of Konrad’s life. Even when people told me I was doing a great job or “I wasn't to know” that he was sick, I blame myself. Mum Guilt, that's what they call it. If I hadn't needed morphine in labour, which would have been transferred to him by the placenta, he might not have been so sleepy, and hard to breastfeed in the days after birth, and he might've been able to pass the baby blood cells - and not get Jaundice - himself. I feel guilty even though I was told most women who are induced need an epidural - it’s that intense, but I had read that epidurals can slow labor down, so I chose to only have one dose of morphine that only took the edge off the pain, was that enough to jeopardise his health? The thing is that Konrad is fine now, he's like a different baby. He’s almost twice the weight he was at his lowest after birth, and growing by the day.

But mum guilt never goes away. I feel even more guilty for the fact that I gave up trying to breastfeed him after a few weeks. As Konrad was 2 1/2 weeks early, my milk took a while to come in. Initially I only had colostrum that I (and Grant and multiple midwives) had to hand express, which could be syringed into him. He was too sleepy to latch although I tried. By the time he started feeling better (and had ripped the feeding tube out!) we still had to bottlefeed the milk I could get out using the hospital pump (the most animal I've ever felt I felt, like a dairy cow...) and top him up with formula. When we got home 10 days after he was born, breastfeeding became so daunting for me I was physically and mentally drained - from birth, seeing my baby sick, all of the information I have been dumped on, and the shock of giving birth two weeks before I had expected. To try and learn to feed on top of that was too much. Between Konrad and I, I’m sure we would have got there, but it would've taken weeks and tears I couldn’t endure. If only I had been strong enough to keep pumping until Konrad was ready to try feeding from me, and my milk didn’t stop flowing. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

For me I would happily give birth again and again, it was after birth that was hard for me. Is hard for me. There is no warning that can prepare you for this adventure. No words at all. But be prepared for the unknown, for tears and mum guilt. And surround yourself with wonderful people, they will help you get through. 

Now we are home and settled and enjoying learning about each other. I’m so excited about the next chapters!

NB this post was written 6 weeks before publication... because mumlife.